boys & my institute teacher: two topics.

Topic number one: Boys.

I've liked boys ever since I can remember. When I was in Kindergarten, I had a crush on a boy named Brad Jackman. I've just been really into guys forever. It's not a bad thing... I had a boyfriend named Erik once. I think he's actually the only real boyfriend I've ever had. It was fun. But I made a few mistakes that I look back at now, and just laugh at, and think to myself, "Why was I so ignorant?"

My sister now has a boyfriend named Dylan. He's a cool guy; I like him. He treats her really well, and he fits right in with our family. I can't help but to say, "I told you so!" when I see her hugging him and (unfortunately) kissing him and not acting like herself around him. She's pretty good about being herself around him, but there are a few times when I want to say "Rach, just be yourself." But I did the exact same thing when I was with Erik, only 100 times worse. I couldn't eat in front of him, because I was too embarrassed. I don't even know why. I was shy I guess. I remember when he was over one night, and we were eating with my family, and I only ate a little tiny bit, and then when he left, I was shoving food into my mouth as fast as I could. I wouldn't act like myself around him. I hated it, but I couldn't help it.

Looking back at it now, I think I've finally figured out why. I think it was because I didn't feel good enough for him. I felt like everytime I tried to act like myself, he'd be really judgemental towards me, and it made me feel like he didn't like me for who I was. It felt like he liked me for who I wasn't. I think a huge part of that is that he cheated on me twice. That just tears your self esteem apart, believe me. Ever since, I've been trying to find myself and gain confidence in myself. I've been trying to find real friends, who will be there for me, and who will love me for me. It was hard, but now, I think I'm finally getting it.

Before Erik and I started dating, I never really sat down and made a list of rules I'd follow when I had a boyfriend. So when we started dating, there was no set limit on what we could or couldn't do. After we felt like things were getting a little out of hand, we both sat down with and made that list of rules. We had it all figured out. Within days of making the list, we broke most of the rules. I think our problem was that we didn't set the guidelines before we started dating, we set them in the middle of it. I guess it was kind of an attitude of "Well, we've done it all before, why can't we do it again?" I think, also, that the both of us didn't have the same standards. That was a huge difference.

Well, almost a year after we broke up, here I am, single. I haven't kissed anyone since April 15th of last year, and I am so proud of myself because of it. I'm saving my kisses for my husband. Now that I've been single for a while, I want to set some rules for myself to follow when I do have a boyfriend, just so that mistake won't happen again. So for all those boys out there who want to date me, you must abide by these. HA! :)

• Move slowly. The faster it starts, the faster it'll end.
• No making out. The For Strength of Youth pamphlet warns against it. (page 26, top paragraph)
• Kissing is okay, as long as it's three seconds or less.
• Be yourself around him.

My theory: One of the reasons God made you exactly how you are is so that your future spouse will fall in love with you.

Topic number two: My institute teacher.

My greatest appreciation goes out to my institute teacher last semester, Brother Soderberg. He is so full of the spirit, all the time, it just amazes me. He's a really soft-spoken man, with a spirit that just yells out to you. It never ceases to amaze me how Heavenly Father blesses us with the exact things we need, at the exact time we need them. This is one of those stories. Brother Soderberg made an effort to reach out to me. I noticed it from day one. It felt like he could see something in me. He could see that I was struggling with many things. Every morning he would come shake my hand, look me straight in the eye, and tell me that he was glad that I was there.

I remember one day, I felt like I looked horrible, and I just wanted to go home. The same day, while he was shaking my hand, he told me that I looked beautiful. He meant it; I know he did. I could see it in his eyes. I had a feeling that he wasn't talking about my outside appearance, though. I had a feeling that he could see a light in my eyes.

The lessons he taught were truly profound, and were, with no doubt in my mind, led by the spirit. I think the principal he taught that stood out to me the most, though, was exactly what I needed. He would pick out random people and ask "Can I ask you a question? I'm only asking you this because I know you know the answer." and they'd say yes, and he'd ask them questions like "Are you chosen?" "Are you elect?" "Are you a daughter/son of God?" Questions that got us thinking about who we are, and why were are who we are. This was so valuable to me because I really needed to figure out who I was. I needed to know I was elect, and chosen. Never before have a cried so much in one semester from feeling the spirit.

One day in institute, near the end of the semester, Veronica was finding people to volunteer for the devotional. I would always look down because I didn't want to do anything. I looked up right in time to see that everything had a name, except for the testimony, and then I saw Veronica walking over in my direction. I hurried and looked down, but then a voice came to my head that said "Megan, what are you doing? She's a returned missionary. She can feel the spirit, and it's telling her to ask you to bear your testimony" haha, and then I heard her say "Hey, would you like to bear your testimony?" I'm not one to say no, so I accepted, and my stomach tied itself in dozens of knots. "Heavenly Father," I prayed, "I'll do it, but just help me to know what to say, and help me not to make a fool of myself." It was my turn, so I walked up, and bore one of the most incredible testimonies I've ever born. My testimony was definately strengthened by it, and I know a few others were, too. I knew exactly what to say - the spirit was with me the whole time.

Brother Soderberg taught me how to love myself, by showing love. He taught me to trust the Lord. He gave me hope in returning to my Father in Heaven. He made it easy for me to recognize the spirit. He strengthened my testimony because he was willing the follow the promptings of the spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father sent him to me for those reasons.