"realize."

I have a habit of, every now and then, pulling out my notebooks I like to randomly write in, and read them. Tonight was one of those nights.
As I was looking through one of them, I came across a poem that a friend had written, that I had written down. This friend happens to be a guy, who happened to have a crush on me a while ago. I'm not sure if he wrote this for me or not, but he did share it with me. At the end of the poem, I wrote something down, directed to myself, so watch for that. I don't want to say his name, but I do want to remember who wrote it, so we'll call him S.W.Smith.

9 April 2008
"I hold you in my arms; I look deep in your eyes.
The beauty you hold deep in your heart.
I wonder what kind of man I am to have a girl like you--
The most beautiful thing on earth, in my arms tonight.
You know me better than I know me.
I let you in my heart; I trust you with all I have.
Please don't break me.
When I hold you in my arms, I get lost in your beauty.
Not knowing how to handle what our future holds.
When love passes by, I wish like a shooting star that everything will be okay.
That we will be together forever.
Uncertainty has its hold on me. It slowly drags me down.
The fight is hard.
My love for you makes me champion.
Nothing can tear me down; my love for you is strong.
Nothing will break us apart.
I love you."

"Megan.
Don't you realize that this is exactly what you want your husband to say to you?
Don't you realize that this is who you want your husband to be? Realize."

why me?

As I look at the people around me, more specifically, the people I know who have chosen to go a separate way than what they have been taught, I can't help but wonder "Why them and not me?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm where I'm at right now, but I see these people I knew in the past; people who I would've never imagined would end up getting a girl pregnant, doing drugs, killing themselves, going against everything they were taught and everything they were raised to believe.
I can't help but to think "I've had my share of problems, just like anyone else, but why am I still a member of this church? Why has Heavenly Father let me overcome those trials I faced when I was an ignorant teenager, to be who I am today? What makes me different than all of those people?"
When I think about it, I come to one conclusion. That is, that Heavenly Father needs me to be strong to help build his church up in these last days. Every challenge he gave me, knowing I could, quite possibly, mess it up and go spiraling downward. But he's given me his trust, knowing I could handle everything he's put in my way, and I feel like I have.
I'm special. Heavenly Father has chosen me as one of his children to prepare the way for Christ's Second Coming. Not only has he chosen me, but he has chosen you, too. All of us were saved to come at this time. But not everyone chooses to make it. But I know what I chose.

With that being said, I'd like to thank Heavenly Father for the blessings he's given me that have helped me hold on to the rod, even if it was just by one finger. The blessings who have made me who I am today.

• My parents. They have raised me so well, in the way that Heavenly Father would've raised me if he was here on the earth. They have taught me a lot of lessons that I use everyday of my life, and that help me get closer to returning to my Heavenly Father.
• My church leaders. My bishop, and my two young womens leaders. They have opened my eyes to so many wonderful things, and have helped me set the goals in my life that I feel are important to accomplish. Not only that, they support me in those goals, too.
• My friends. Heavenly Father really couldn't have blessed me with more amazing friends if I wanted him to. When I say my friends are awesome, it's the complete truth. They have strengthened my testimony by sharing theirs, and it has made me want to share mine, too. I can always count on them to back me up if I'm in a tough situation.
• My relationship with my Heavenly Father. As of August last year, I have really been trying to come to know of him, and get to know him better, and have real conversations with him. I've come to find out that he is there, listening to everything I have to say. He also talks to me, too, telling me what I should do, and giving me guidance when I need it the most. He's a great friend.
• Prayer. Where would I be without it? It has blessed my life in ways I can't even explain. If I have a testimony of anything, it would be prayer.
• Scriptures. Who knew that people who lived thousands of years ago could know what to say to help me in my life right now? The olden day prophets are superb men, who really know what they're talking about. I love reading their words.
• My patriarchal blessing. What a wonderful gift. Just when I'm about to lose it, I can go and read it, and know why I'm going through the things I'm going through, and know what to do. I have learned a lot about myself through this letter from God, and it helps me everyday. I've memorized parts of it, and even when I don't have it on me, I can recite certain phrases of it, and know that I'll be okay.

a boy.

I like a boy. A different boy. Who actually isn't a boy at all. He's a man.

The other night, Celeste and I had a conversation where we both explained to each other what we thought a man was, and what we liked in men. We both agreed that men honor their Priesthood. Men put their loved ones before themselves. Men aren't afraid to chase the woman they're interested in. Men are themselves, and aren't ashamed of it. Men know what it takes to be worthy of holding the Priesthood, and act on it. Men provide care and blessings for their wives. Men fight for what they believe in. Men know they're not perfect, but strive to be the best they can be. My man will take me to the temple, because my man will know what's important in this life.

This brings me to a quote in a little book that Celeste bought at the DI. The author was a mother, and she was addressing concerns she had to her daughter. I thought it was truly profound.
"This brings us to the place where we should discuss the qualities of the boy you will marry --should you have that privilege -- and I pray that you may!
"He may be tall, dark and handsome; and perhaps he dances well; maybe he drives a new convertible. But if he cannot take you to the temple, he is not for you. He may even be rich and popular. But you will be giving up too much for too little if he cannot take you to the temple."

Oh! So this is what my mom was trying to tell me all those years! I get it now. She just wanted the best for me, and I realize that. And just like my mother raised me to believe this, I want to raise my daughters to believe the same thing.

Reading this made me think a little harder about my standards for the men I date. I think I have pretty good standards for this cause; maybe I have too many? One thing that comes to mind is that I wanted guys to have a distinct style of clothing. I'd say to myself, "If a guy doesn't wear the perfect jeans, v-neck shirts, vans eras, vests, cardigans and fohawk their hair, he isn't the one for me."
Can I just say that I am changing this prerequisite right now? Yes, I do want my husband to have a great style, but I've realized that what he wears isn't nearly as half as important as what he says, or does, or acts, or feels. Thinking about it, I'd much rather have a guy who would take me to the temple than a guy who dresses to my likeness. I just want to come out with this, and say that I've decided that the clothes guys wear doesn't matter all that much to me anymore. He just has to look good in what he wears, and work it.

So, this brings me back to the man I like. He's a convert to the church, and has been for almost 4 years now. He's a returned missionary. He holds the Priesthood, and honors it. When I talk to him, whether it be in person or on the phone, I feel like I can truly be myself, without feeling embarrassed, and that he will like me just the same. I can talk to him about goofy things, like how huge my brothers feet really are, and spiritual things, like both of our coming to know that the church is true. I can tell him what I really feel, and he listens. I can look like a total dork in front of him, trying to climb up a cave with my short legs, and know that he still thinks I'm cool, and that we can laugh about it later. He knows how to make me laugh. I know that I must mean a lot to him, because he drove 4 hours to spend some time with me. He can make something totally awkward into something to laugh about. I can really be myself around him. That's really what I want in a man. A man who likes me for me, and not someone else. A man who brings out the best in me, and makes it easier for me to be my best. That's why I like him.

temples.

This afternoon, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Draper temple open house, and walk through the gorgeous House of the Lord. Despite the fact that it was freezing, and it had started to snow a ton, the temple was a really good break from it all. It was so peaceful, and you could easily feel the spirit, or atleast I could.

I've seen pictures of the rooms inside the Draper temple, and I've always thought they were really pretty, but actually being inside, looking at everything with your own eyes is so much more different. The lighting was perfect, and the chandeliers sparkled and shone so bright. It was truly amazing.

I've always wanted to get married in the temple. It's always been my goal, and I've always been super excited for it; to be sealed for time and all eternity with the man I love. But today, walking through and seeing the brides' dressing room, and the sealing rooms, got me so much more excited about temple marriage. I can't wait to meet that one man who will be worthy to take me to the temple and who loves me so much to be sealed to me forever. I'm looking forward to that day.

As we walked through, my dad was quietly explaining to me what all the rooms were used for. I could tell he was really excited about it, and he wanted me to know everything! I also think he knows I'm growing up, and I could, quite possibly, be getting married in a few years. I think it scares him half to death, but I know he's okay with it, because he and my mom have taught me well. A few months ago, my dad complimented me on having the strongest testimony out of all his kids at my age. That really meant a lot to me.

I'm excited to go to the temple and get my endowments with my mom. I'm also excited to kneel across the altar and be sealed to the man I love. Today has given me a whole new perspective.

One of the five sealing rooms in the Draper temple.

north carolina is stealing my friends.

After I finished teaching my 4 and 5 year olds about the Priesthood in primary class, I headed down the hall to the laurel's class room, to meet up with my sister. When I arrived, the door was open, and all the laurels were standing by the door. I took a closer look, and noticed that the majority of them were crying. I stood there for a minute, looking at the sad faces of girls I know and love. I stepped over to Erica and Courtney, and asked them what was wrong. Erica explained to me that our Stake President, Brother Thomas, who was in our ward, got called to be the mission president in North Carolina, and that he and his family were moving there in June this year. As she explained it to me, I could feel the emotion melt off of my face. As hard as I tried, I couldn't say anything. I just stood there, my eyes wide and my mouth wide open. I couldn't believe it. This family who I had known and grown so close to was leaving in a few months, and they wouldn't be back for 3 years. I wanted to cry, but the tears didn't come.

Brother Thomas, my Stake President, is an amazing man. He's soft spoken, patient and kind. The Spirit follows him where ever he goes. On the rare occasion he spoke to us, as a ward, or as a youth group, I was always fascinated about what he had to say. He spoke complete truth, in a way that stood out to me. I remember going to his house one day with Rachel, and I saw a picture on the fridge that looked just like Napoleon Dynamite. After laughing my head off, his wife explained to me that that was Brother Thomas' mission picture. I laughed some more. I never really have gotten over that. Every time I see that picture, I bust out in laughter.
Sister Thomas is wonderful. She used to be the Beehive Advisor in my ward, but got released a few weeks ago. I always thought of her as a mom. She's fun loving, and outgoing, but also knows when to get on people's backs and tell them to be quiet. She is one of the few people who can pull off being mean to get you to behave. But we all know she loves us to death. Not to mention, her cooking is extraordinary! It was always an event to look forward to when she was cooking for a fireside or something. And her cookies! I remember when a few kids went boating last summer, and she made cookies for us to take. She gave them to me to hold onto, because she knew I loved them so much. I felt so special when she gave me those cookies.
Parley was the first guy I thought was cute when I first moved into this ward. I remember the first time I saw him, he was wearing a hat with ear flaps. I asked Andy what Parley's name was, and called out to Parley and said hi! He thought I was sooo weird, and probably still does. But we're friends. Now, my friend, and future roomie, Erica, is dating him. What a cute couple. They build each other up so much. Parley is almost ready to turn in his mission papers in a few months. What a great guy.
Bethany is hilarious. She's sarcastic, which I love. She always lets you know you are loved, even if it's just by teasing you. I feel like a midget standing next to her, because she's so tall! I just love that girl.

I'm going to miss that family, and I'm already looking forward to the day they get back. Everything happens for a reason, and I know this will be a great experience for them, as well as our ward back home. North Carolina better take care of my friends...

bad day? or testimony building opportunity?

So here's how my day went...

I went to school in the morning, the same as everyday. I had a midterm in my Music class, which I felt I did okay on. In Math, I had an extra credit test, and got 4 of the 5 points. I was also the first one to finish, and I felt pretty cool about that. My last class was Institute, which always seems to brighten up my whole day.

After school, I had court for the wreck I got into back in October. On the way to court, I got pulled over by a police officer for speeding (how ironic). He caught me going 15 miles over the speed limit, but only marked me for going 5 over. It was very nice of him, but I was still pissed, and I still gave him an attitude.

When I walked into my court session, I felt like I had logical reasons of why the wreck wasn't my fault, and, with the help of my dad's testimony, I felt like we both got our point across. Buut, the judge didn't buy it, so I ended up with the $112 ticket. Bummer. I paid it in full when I got out.

Today sucked. But, I'm not all that upset about it. I mean, yeah, I'm mad that a got a ticket and lost my court case all in the same day, but it could be much worse.

The amazing thing about this story, though, is that a while back, I got a bonus check from work for somewhere around $112, after the government sucked the taxes out. When I got it, I was like, "Sweet! I'm gonna buy myself a new ipod!" and I had my heart set on a new ipod. Well, I ended putting it off until now, for some strange reason. Today I realized that Heavenly Father blessed me with that bonus check so I could pay that ticket without having to break into the money I already had. Even though I wanted an ipod, Heavenly Father hooked me up and gave me that money so I could pay for the ticket. Some might call this a coincidence. Maybe fate sounds good? But not me. I believe, without a doubt, that it came from Heavenly Father. Like he was saying "Megan, you've been so great paying your tithing, I think I'm going to bless you with the money you need (not want) to pay for this ticket."

What an amazing man he is.