But lately, I'm been incredibly homesick, mostly for my mom. I went to the hospital on Monday for some stomach pains I was having, and Zac had to call my parents and tell them I wanted them to be there with me, because throughout my whole life, when I was sick, my mom would sit by me and that would seem to make everything better. I think the worst part of being sick for me is being scared of being left alone. I don't know why, maybe I think something's going to happen to me and I'll have no one there to help me. I just know that when I'm sick, I need someone there just to be with my at least, and my mom would always do that.
A few days ago, I was having a really bad day, and all I could think about was how much I wanted my mom to just hug me. I was bawling because I wanted my mom so bad. A while later, she texted me and asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing bad, and that I needed her to come down. She drove the hour drive to come see me, and gave me a hug right away. We talked about things like going to the temple and the gospel. Then she took me out to dinner and helped me look for jobs.
Lately I've been feeling really distant to Heavenly Father. I hate that feeling. But while my mom and I were talking, she told me about how much Heavenly Father loves me. She said, "What was the first thing I did when I walked in?" and I said, "You hugged me." She said, "Yep, because I love you. And I'm imperfect. Just think of how much Heavenly Father loves you, and he is perfect." Right then I just started crying so hard, and I couldn't stop. And every time I think about it, I still cry. It was amazing. It was just what I needed.
Today I realized that I'm never going to live with my mom ever again. She won't be the one to sit with me when I'm sick, and she won't [always] be the one to hug me when I'm sad. I cried and cried thinking about that today. I'm going to miss my mom. She is my role model. She homeschooled me for nine years and put up with all my crap because she loves me. She's the most faithful lady I know, and she's not afraid of it. She's hilarious, and is always serving other people. My mom is just great, and I adore her.
Even though I'm going to miss my mom, I must admit I have a pretty good fiance. He's always (and I mean always) there for me. I don't feel stupid crying in front of him (like today), and when I do, he's always right there hugging me and wiping away my tears, and telling me that everything's going to be okay. He's easy to talk to, and is very good about listening to me. He's always doing nice things for me, like opening my doors, finishing making dinner when I have bad cramps (like tonight), writing me cute notes, encouraging me when I do hard things, telling me he loves me, telling me I'm beautiful. When I was in the hospital, I told him not to leave me no matter what (remember... I need someone by me at all times when I'm sick), and he stayed by my side the whole time (well, except for when they gave me a shot in my butt; he and my dad left then). Not only that, but he held my hand, gave me kisses, and told me I still looked beautiful, and meant it. He is amazing, and I can't believe I have someone like him in my life to be mine forever.
I have some pretty good people in my life. Like, really. Last night I was thinking about the people in my life, and it honestly blew my mind to think of how amazing the people I hold close to me are. I am truly blessed. It's incredible.
Me and Zac at the hospital a few days ago.