i am me.

Tonight I decided to read my journal I've kept since May of 2007. I came across an entry, and I really liked what I wrote. Not a lot of people know this about me, but when I was younger, I had absolutely no self confidence. I don't know what happened to it. I guess Heavenly Father hid it here on the earth, and wanted me to make an effort to find it.
But, as of right now, I feel like I've come a long way of knowing who I really am, and loving myself just the way I am. I think a big part of that has to do with my knowledge of the gospel. I don't know how it works, but the more I rely on the gospel, and the more I learn from it, I can see a great change in who I perceive myself to be, and I'm really quite pleased with myself.

So, I wanted to type down the last half of my journal entry I stumbled across. I think it will make somewhat of a difference to anyone who reads it. Or, at least, that's my hope.

5 June 2008
"So, I think I'm gaining self confidence, and I want to write down a few things that make me unique, that I think are cool!
  • I love the sound of high heels on a hard floor.
  • I don't wear it, because people would think I smell weird, but I love the smell of granny perfume.
  • I play the drums!
  • I have a very strong testimony of prayer, the gospel, the scriptures, Joseph Smith and my patriarchal blessing.
  • I keep bottles of guys cologne just because I love the smell of it.
  • I think rain is beautiful, and I love the smell of it.
  • I love the smell of dirt.
  • I love the color 'mustard yellow.'
  • I love to smile, because it makes me happier.
  • I actually, for once, know who I am.
  • I think holding and honoring the Priesthood is one of the handsomest things a guy can do.
  • I'm not into the 'surfer dude' look, or the 'skater boy' look. I'm into the 'returned missionary' look. I dig it!

So, yeah. That's what makes me, me! Also, I want to say that you should always be yourself. I think, personally, that one of the reasons Heavenly Father made you who you are is so that you spouse would fall in love with you. So never be someone you're not. Just be who you are, and be proud of it!"

Truly profound, coming from an eighteen year old, don't you think? Haha, oh yes.


white nails.

So I got braces two weeks ago. There's nothing exciting about that except the fact that I can't bite my nails anymore. Sooo... I figured I'd take this opportunity and grow them out. Haha, my nails are always so ugly; always so short. But now, they're growing, and I'm not biting them! This is a big deal for me!
So tonight, to celebrate the fact that I have nails, I decided to paint them. I chose white, because it matches just about everything. I haven't painted my nails in such a long time, and the down side of that is that I believe I've forgotten how to paint nails, it seems. So, my nails look like a 3-year-old painted them. Buuut, they're painted, and they're to a point where they can be painted, so I'm happy.



I've wanted to be a lot of things when I was younger. I think at one point, I wanted to be a fire truck when I grew up, haha. I guess by that, I meant I wanted to be a fire fighter. I've also, at some point in my life, wanted to be a Cosmetologist, a Psychologist, a Marine Biologist and a Sociologist. But now that I'm in college, I've come to the conclusion that I want to major in Photography. That sounds totally lame, being compared to what I thought about going into in the past, but photography is something that I love to do, and I have a desire to study it, and use it in my life. I love it!
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't want to be tied down to doing just one thing for the rest of my life - that being photography. Yes, I do enjoy it a lot, but I want variety. I want to try different things everyday. The more I think about it, I'd really like to be a chef, a nanny, a doctor, a teacher, a therapist, a maid (yes, i do enjoy cleaning occasionally. call me crazy.), a taxi driver, a seminary teacher, a coach.
I've come to the conclusion that there's only one profession that includes all of the above. That is, a mother. A mother can be a chef as she cooks delicious home-cooked meals for her family, a nanny as she takes care of her young kids and loves them, a doctor as she kisses her child's owie all better, and puts on a brightly colored band aid and gives them a lollipop, a teacher as she teaches her children what she has learned over the years, a therapist as she listens to her children when they're having a hard day, and cheers them up, a maid as she cleans up after her children when they're young and don't know better, a taxi driver as she drives her children to all their appointments and practices, a seminary teacher as she teaches her children about the gospel, and prepares them for the temple, and a coach as she sits on the side lines and cheers for them as they play their favorite sport.
This is what I want to do. This is what I want to be when I'm older: a mother to my children. I don't want to drop my kids off at a daycare center while I rush to work. I want to be home with my children, teaching them and learning from them, and making memories they'll remember when they're parents.

When Kody and I first started writing to each other, he asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told him that I was studying photography, and that I wanted to be a photographer. Then I added that I also wanted to be a mother, above everything else. In the next letter I got from him, he complimented me on my desire to be a mother. He said, "I want to commend you Megan... I think it is amazing that you want to be a mom when you get older. That is something I really look up to you for." I've thought about it a lot, and I've realized that, when I'm ready to get married, I want a husband who will support me in my responsibility to be a mother to my children. To teach them and to nurture them and to love them. I want my husband to be someone who will look up to me for the things that I do with my children, and the time I spend with them.

My mom did this exact thing. She stayed home with us everyday. Not only did she stay home with us, but she taught us, too. We were home schooled, and she was our teacher. I won't forget all the memories I've had sitting around the table, goofing off with my two sisters and my brother and my mom. I am so grateful to her for not sending us to public school, where sex and drugs occupy the hallways. I'm so grateful that she made an effort to stay home with us everyday and teach us what she would have us learn, and what she felt would benefit us later in our lives. Along with gaining a great knowledge, we also gained a great friendship with one another. Daniel, me, Rachel and Sara are best friends. We stick by each other, no matter what. It's all because of my mom. She's the greatest.

There are three mothers who I want to be just like when I have my own kids. They are all very loving, and willing to teach their kids, and nurture them. The three mothers I want to be like are my mom, Chrissy Johnson and Amber Brundage. They are my role models.

"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels."
(James R. Clark - Massages to the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)


one of the questions of life.

Why is it that you can have a friend you rarely hang out with, and be fine with it, but when they leave on a mission, or somewhere else for a long period of time, you miss them terribly? I just don't get it.
Perhaps it's because, when they were home, you had the secure feeling that you could see them anytime you wanted, but now that they're away, you won't be able to see them until they come home.
I just don't know. But, to fuel my deprived feelings, here is a list of the people I miss.
    1. Daniel.
    2. Ryan.
    3. Kody.
    4. Parker.
    5. Celeste.
    6. Megan.
    7. Tanner.
    8. Emily
    9. Jared

valentine's day.

Yesterday was Valentines Day, and even though I didn't have a charming man to spend it with, it still rocked my socks.
I started off the day by going to work from 10 to 3, after which I hurried over to Emily's house. We had some plans. We began our Valentines Day celebrations by baking some delicious sugar cookies. We didn't have time to frost them, because we were late. Late for what? Well, we had volunteered ourselves to serve Emily's little sister, Lindsay, and her group of friends when they came over for dinner, because they were going to the Sweethearts dance at their school. Say it with me: "Awww!" But Emily and I, being the goofy girls we are, put some spunk into it, and made it fun. We had the idea of dressing up like fancy waiters. You know, white button down shirts, black slacks. But wait! We didn't have such fancy apparel... So we ended up wearing black jeans and white v-neck shirts. Fancy? You betcha. But we didn't stop there. We hurried down to the bathroom, pulled out Emily's make up bag, grabbed the eye liner pencils and went to work. By the time we were finished, we had life-like mustaches displayed between our noses and mouths. Now this was fancy - to the max! We decided that Emily looked like a Mexican, so we called her Sanchez, and I looked more like a French man, so my name was Pierre. Our mustaches told all...

When Lindsay and her pals got there, we greeted them at the door, and sat them down at the table. We served them drinks, salads and the main dish: steak and potatoes. Yum. Emily and I snuck some food when no one was looking. Note to self: the fruit punch was a hit!
When everyone left, Emily and I hit up Ross, Smith's and Walmart. I got two pairs of spandies and a new comforter for my bed when I move out, and Emily got one pair of spandies, a pack of v-neck shirts and a blow dryer! Her's broke the day before... So sad.
When we got back from shopping, we got out the milk, powdered sugar, butter, cherry flavoring and sprinkles, and made some yummy frosting for our delicious cookies. I muse say, we are excellent bakers, and frosting makers.
That about sums up my sweet Valentine's Day adventures. Single Awareness Day my foot.



I am completely gullable. If you play a trick on me, I'll fall for it. If you tell me a ridiculous lie about yourself, I'll believe that, too. If you tell me there's an agry fire-breathing dragon right behind me, I'll turn around to see it.
But, on the other hand, I question every fact I am given. If something seems off to me, I'll go look it up. If you tell me what you think, and I disagree, I'll ask myself why you think that way. If you tell me the church isn't true, I'll pull out my scriptures and bear to you my testimony.
I am a strange, strange human being.


scattered, like my mind.

Hello, dear blog. I post again.
It's been some week, and by that, I mean it's been a great week. I got a 95 on my first math test, which I was thrilled about. I also got 9 out of 10 points on my math quiz a few days ago, which is totally insane, because I thought for sure I was going to get somewhere around a 4 or a 5. Math is a good class that I really like so far this semester. I'm understanding it really well, and the fact that there's a cute guy who sits right next to me helps the fact, too. His name is Adam, and we've talked a few times. I really can't see myself getting really involved with him, but he's cute, and he's nice to look at. Hahaha.
Today was special. I got braces on my lower teeth. I hate them. But I hate crooked teeth even more, so I'll deal. Earlier today, I caught myself thinking I can't wait until I get my braces off. I haven't even had them on for 12 hours yet... Sigh. One more year to go...
While we're on the subject of teeth... My poor foster kid, Nate, is getting his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. I'm supposed to work with him on Monday for seven hours, but we'll see how that goes. I know, when I got my wisdom teeth out, I definitely wasn't up for hanging out four days after the surgery.
I've been talking to (texting) my old friend, Justin Fulton, lately. He's a cool guy; I like him. We actually dated for about a month back in 2006. Whoa, that was about two and a half years ago. I'm just now realizing this. Anyway, things just didn't work out between us. I was the one to break his heart, and my heart broke doing it. But all is well now. I'm happy when I talk to him. He's really nice, and it makes me want to be nice in return. Not just to him, but to everyone I come in contact with. I think that's one of his great qualities, and I don't even think he knows that he possesses it. He's an amazing guy, nonetheless.
I just received word, a few days ago, that Celeste is coming up to Salt Lake in a week and a half. We've got some plans. They include: a photo shoot, and going to our future apartments and looking at them. I'm pretty darn excited about this. I haven't seen that girl in ages, and she's just great to be around.
I've come to realize that I'm happiest when I'm serving others. Whether it be letting people know that I'm thinking about them, or doing actual works of service for someone who needs it. I've also come to realize that the Holy Ghost will prompt you to do the most random things, but they end up being something that has an everlasting effect on someone else. It amazes me. The gospel amazes me.
I've been thinking about this for a few days now, and I think it's beyond amazing just how deep the gospel really is. I mean, think of any subject; math, technology, words. They all eventually come to an end. There's only so much you can learn before there's nothing else to learn. But then you look at the gospel... It seems to go on forever and ever, and yet, we're just barely scratching the surface. There's a reason that if we put our trust and our faith in the gospel, it will never fail, because it never ends. Everything else has some point at which it ceases, but the gospel goes on forever, and so does everything it offers. Think about it: eternal life, eternal families, eternal love, eternal happiness.
I was reading my scriptures the other night. I had asked Kody where I could read about what happened in the pre-existance, because in primary, we've been learning about it (on a little kid level, mind you) and I had a strong desire to learn more, and he told me to read Moses and Abraham, so I am. I came across Moses 1:3-4... "And God spake unto Moses, saying: Behold, I am the Lord God Almighty, and Endless is my name; for I am without beginning of days or end of years; and is not this endless? And, behold, thou art my son; wherefore look, and I will show thee the workmanship of mine hands; but not all, for my works are without end, and also my words, for they never cease."
When I read that, it really got me thinking about what it really meant. It really built my testimony up a little bit higher. There is no end.
I was in institute yesterday, and my teacher invites whoever wants to go up, to go up and bear their testimony at the beginning of class. I had a feeling that I was supposed to go up, and bear my testimony about what I just wrote, but I couldn't find that scripture on Moses, to back me up, so I didn't go up. That day, no one got up to bear their testimony. I felt like I missed out on that opportunity, and that's why I'm writing it down here, so whoever reads this might learn something from it.
There's a fridge on our garage. It consists strictly of the following: a case of kroger water bottles, a plate of cookies, a plate of butter, an uneaten cake that has been sitting there for months. I find this hilarious. Of all the things to be in that fridge...
Tonight has been eventful. I think I'm gonna go to bed, though. Goodnight.



A few days ago I was driving down the road. When I drive, I love to look out at all the beautiful scenery Heavenly Father has blessed us with. I love the trees, the roads, the sky. I absolutely love it when I'm driving, and the sun is right in front of me, and it shines right in my eyes. It makes me happy, and it's one of the little things that I can't get enough of.
Thinking about this led me to thinking about the summer, and realizing how much I missed it. I miss wearing knee length shorts, with my wavy hair hanging down while the warm breeze blows through it, letting it dance. I miss having a reason to shave my legs, because, let's be honest here, in the winter, I only shave my legs once a week, for church, because I wear pants the rest of the week. I miss driving down the long, gray road with a couple of my closest friends, the windows rolled down, sunglasses on, with Sherwood playing on the radio. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that the band Sherwood reminds me of summer, and is, in my opinion, one of the best bands to listen to during summer. They just fit, making everything right.
I absolutely love the blue skies, with the whitest clouds, and the bright, warm sun shining down while you play. I love the sight of kids riding their bikes, and running around, while their parents garden or wash their cars. I love it when people are outside, always running around. I love picnics, and rolling down big hills, and water fights. I love following trails in parks, and looking at the brightly colored flowers, and flowing streams. One of my favorite parks is the Murray Park, because of this exact reason. It's gorgeous, especially in the summer time.
I also love summer nights, when it's warm enough to keep your shorts on, but cool enough that maybe you need a light jacket. I love sitting in the porch with a blanket while a thunder storm is booming outside. I love sitting there in the silence, with occasional thunder sounding in the sky, just thinking to yourself about anything that might be on your mind. I love thunder storms.
I don't think summer could come any slower, and I can't wait until it does, so I can relive all these summer memories that have been stored deep inside my mind, waiting to come out. I'm excited...


words make paragraphs.

As I sit here in my semi-messy bedroom, staring at the blank screen of my laptop that is urging me to write something, I can't help but think about the thoughts and feelings I had just two nights ago. They were inspiring. They made me want to change a few little things about myself. Nothing big. I just want to be better.
If we rewound my life to exactly two nights ago, it would be Monday, February 2nd, and that's when it all started. I sat on top of my bed, my white comforter surrounding me in thought. The night was quiet. I was the only one home. My mind was open and clear, ready to learn something new. I came across the writings of a person I briefly knew. As I read the words that came so freely from her continuously thinking head, I was lead to read more and more. Her words were so neatly placed, and they seemed to jump off the screen and into my brain. I could feel what she was trying to convey.
When I finished reading her well thought out words and paragraphs, I was inspired. I thought to myself, I need to learn how to write like that. Something that will stand out to people. Something that people can feel. And the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that I could definitely do it, if I gave it a good shot. The things I am learning in my English class tie in with this idea of mine so well. I want to write better, and I'm taking a writing class. How convenient. So, I decided to give it a shot.
And so, here I am, sitting in the exact same place as I was sitting two nights ago, thoughts rushing into my head as I write them down. What brings me here? You could say it's the fact that I wanted to see if I could do it, and tonight felt like a good time to start, or, you could say that I am completely bored, with nothing to do - not even homework - so I decided to string a few pointless words together to make something that people will read, and, hopefully, relate to.
Perhaps you could say that I follow my dreams, no matter how big or small. If I want something, I go for it. I have come to the conclusion that that is a true statement about me. My mom always said she knew I was "feisty" from the moment I was born. I guess what she meant by that was that I was a fighter, and I don't give up on what I want. When I was born, I had a deadly infection. I fought it for a month or two, and I (obviously) ended up living. My mom soon found out that I was only the second baby in Utah that suffered from the infection, that didn't have to have it cut out. Maybe it had a little bit to do with me fighting for it, but I think the biggest reason I am alive today is because of priesthood blessings.
As I come to the close of trying desperately to write something more than your everyday topics, I want to leave with something I laugh at, even today. When I was younger, my friend, Emily, and I used to send made up stories to each other via email, and as I look back on them today, I find them absolutely ridiculous, but to tell you the truth, there have been times when I've almost peed my pants from laughing so hard at them. I wrote this one. It's called "Emily's Genie." I didn't alter it an anyway. This is exactly the way I wrote it. I liked a boy named Austen at the time, and his name appears in here a few times. [written january 30, 2005]

One lovely day, best friends, Emily and Megan, went on a walk together, holding hands and skipping down the road. Then all of the sudden, Megan saw a ditch heading Emily's way. Megan, being Emily's best friend, thought of an idea quick! When Emily was by the ditch, Megan pushed her in and laughed at her. Emily got really angry and started steaming from the ears. Suddenly the sky started to get black and thunder started to bolt down. Megan got scared. A geenie appeared out of a cloud. "MEGAN!", it said, "I AM EMILY'S GUARDIAN GEENIE". Megan was confused. "How could anyone love Emily so much to be her gaurdian geenie?". Emily got more angry and started to climb out of the ditch, but she couldn't bacause she wasn't that fit. "THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT", the geenie said, "MY NAME IS JARVIS". Megan laughed. "IT'S NOT FUNNY!", said Jarvis. "NOW EMILY, YOU MUST CHOOSE HOW YOUR FRIEND SHOULD PAY". Emily thought. She thought some more. After 3 3/7 hours, Emily shouted "I've got it!". Jarvis and Megan were asleep. "I'VE GOT IT!!!!", Emily screamed. Megan and Jarvis woke up from Emily's ugly screaming. "WHAT HAVE YOU CHOSEN FOR MEGAN?", said Jarvis. "Well, since I love Megan so much, I am going to give her a fair young man to marry and send my best wishes to them", Emily said. "YOUR WISH IS GRANTED", said Jarvis. Megan was so happy that she ran up to Emily and gave her a big hug and kiss. (on the cheek, of course) They looked up the road and saw Austen walking toward them. Megan got excited. "I had a feeling to walk down this road at this very moment", said Austen. Megan ran up to Austen and hugged and kissed him. Austen proposed to Megan, and they got married in the Salt Lake Temple. Megan was so grateful to Emily, that she made Pop Diva Emily sing at her wedding reception. She sang all the love songs like "Only One" and "True" and "Beautiful Soul". Pop Diva Emily sang really loud and she kinda sucked, which ruined Megan and Austen's wedding, but they didn't care cuz Emily is never going to learn how to sing, and plus, Emily wished that they could get married. So without Emily, they would have never gotten married. Austen and Megan Whitaker lived happily ever after, and Pop Diva Emily met Megan's brother-in-law's brother, Brian (Jared's bro, which is a HOTTIE) and he proposed to Emily at Austen and Megan's wedding and they lived happily ever after. But Megan and Austen were a MUCH cuter couple than Emily and Brian. The End


i'm growing up.

As I look back on my life in the past few years, I realized that I wasn't exactly a Molly Mormon. But then again, I wasn't really a bad person. I went to church and said my prayers. I guess I just wasn't really serious about the church yet. I had a testimony, but it was very small. A few basic things I believed in kept me holding on to the rod, and looking where I'm at right now, I guess those few basic things were enough to get me through those tough teenaged years. Yes, I know I'm still a teenager, and I'll still be one for a little over a year, but I really feel like I'm growing up.
When I was younger, (13-14 ish) I grew up with a gorgeous older sister who got all the guys she wanted. She dated like crazy! I remember looking at the calender that hung in her bedroom, seeing the names of guys on Fridays and Saturdays that she would be going out with. I wanted to be just like her. She didn't dress modestly, though. But with my little teenaged thinking, I thought "Hey! She gets guys. Dressing immodestly must do the trick!" And it did. I thought I was so hot when my stomach showed because my shirt was hiked up. It got the guys attention, too! But there was one little problem. My mom didn't like the idea. One day, she had had enough of my stomach and back always showing, and she threatened to give all of my shirts to the DI. She went as far as going through my closet, putting all my shirts in bags and putting them in the trunk of her car. I was so scared! We ending up making a deal. I could keep my shirts if I wore a long undershirt underneath them everyday. If I didn't, my mom would cut the shirt off of me. And she did a few times, too. She would always say "The kind of guys you want to attract don't like it when you dress immodestly." and I'd grunt back "Just keep talking, old lady. You have no idea what you're saying."
While it was happening, I was so mad at her. I couldn't believe that she would make such a big deal of something so incredibly small. But looking back at it today, I am oh so glad that she did it. I've realized that the only guys who would think that dressing immodestly is attractive were the guys I absolutely do NOT want to date or marry. I've realized that, by dressing modestly, I show guys that see me that I respect my body, and that I am preparing myself to wear garments, because I want a temple marriage. I am so grateful to my mom for teaching me that.
Recently I've had many testimony strengthening experiences. One specific one taught me that my standards that I have promised not only to myself to keep, but also to Heavenly Father, are very important. In the course of about two weeks, I was tempted and pushed constantly to lower these exact standards that I held so close to my heart. Believe it or not, I was tempted so much that I was actually considering lowering them, just so I wouldn't be bothered by it. The single thread keeping me from not doing it was that one promise I made, and I felt like it was ready to break. There was a boy involved. He was trying his hardest to get me to do something I really didn't want to do. One night, I told Heavenly Father exactly what I wanted. I told him I wanted to keep my standards. I told him who I wanted to marry, and where I wanted to marry. I made it very clear. After that night of literally pleading with Heavenly Father to help me stay strong, and to help me keep my standards, I woke up refreshed, with enough courage and strength to tell the guy "No, I'm not going to lower my standards for you." He was beyond mad. He called me names, he swore, he told me never to talk to him again. Because I kind of liked this guy, I thought I would be bummed that he was acting like this and saying all this stuff to me. But surprisingly, I didn't. At all. I felt on top of the world! I was smiling, and all the confusion and lonliness I was feeling just the day before completely left me!
So here comes my testimony. I know that if you stand still and plant your feet in what you've been taught all your life, and what you believe in, and promise yourself that you will, you can. I know everything happens for a reason, and you learn SO MUCH from all the trials you overcome. An old seminary teacher of mine once said "Don't be afraid when you're tempted to do something bad. It's just an opportunity to show the Lord that you're on his side." I can't believe that the Lord has blessed me with such amazing people in my life, to keep me on track and to teach me things I would never learn from anyone else. I know that if you listen to the spirit, he will never ever let you down. I know that!
1 Corinthians 10:13