a mother and her children.

I have a friend. He has a blog. He likes to be sad sometimes. I feel like for every sad post he writes, I have to write a happy one, so they will cancel each other out, so that no one in the world will ever know about it. Maybe it works; maybe it doesn't. Either way, I feel like I'm happy enough with myself, my life, and the people around me to keep posting entries that will show my contentment. So, here I post.

On the way home from work today, I was driving down the highway. As I came to a stop at the stop light, I saw some people sitting down in the middle of the sky walk, enjoying the sight of the cars as they sped by on the highway. It wasn't until the light turned green, and I was in the middle of the intersection that I noticed that the people sitting on the sky walk were a mother and her two children, one probably around 4 years old, and one just an infant, in a stroller. As I looked up at them from my car, I could see the mother talking to her older son, probably teaching him something, I assumed.

As I passed them, I thought about what a wonderful mother this lady is, to take her two children somewhere special, where she can spend time with them and take a moment to teach them something new. I'll bet that four-year-old will remember that moment for the rest of his life.

This scene only made me want to do the same for my children. I want to take the time to teach them all the many wonderful things about life. I want to put them first, so they will be raised to the best of my ability. I want to do simple things for them, and spend a little time with them, so they will always know that they are loved. My friend, Celeste, has said to me, "I want to actually get down on my hands and knees and play with my children." The more I think about what she said, the more I decide that I want to do that, too. I want to make memories with my children that they will never forget.

Not only do I want to teach them about life, earth, school subjects, and the simple wonders of everything around them, I also want to teach them about the base of my happiness: the gospel, the church, and Heavenly Father and His love for us. I want to raise them to become strong Latter-Day Saints, and one day, missionaries. I want to watch their lives become blessed by the same thing that blessed mine.

It's funny how many thoughts and decisions come from just seeing people be. I hope, one day, that I can be that mother on the sky walk with my children.

laughs.

If you know me really well (or even just slightly), you know that I laugh. A lot. Maybe too much? But, nonetheless, I try to keep a positive look on life, and I've found that laughing at things really makes a huge difference. There have been times that I was so mad at someone for doing something, and all of the sudden, I'd just burst out in laughs, and so would the other person, making it almost impossible for me to stay mad at them.
It is true that I have given pity laughs at times that they were needed, and maybe I've chuckled a few times to break the silence. But when I truly laugh at things I find really amusing, you can definitely tell. It's kind of like a big boom.
My most unique laugh, though, is my silent laugh. My sisters and I share this, because it sort of originated from us, as far as we know. It's a laugh so ridiculous, it has to be silenced from all mankind!
It all started when we were riding with my parents in the car somewhere. Parents in front; girls in back. We started laughing really hard about something, and my dad told us to be quiet, because the sound of laughing irritates him. (We always used to joke that my dad hates happiness, and that we're all going to turn emo one day because we can't laugh around him.) So, to honor my dad's request, we just kind of unconsciously made up this silent laugh that we use around our dad. I've noticed that the times I laugh the hardest are (unfortunately) the times I'm in the car with my sisters and my parents. So, I seem to use my silent laugh when I laugh at the funniest things. And that, my friends, is how you can tell I'm really enjoying myself.
...It looks like my regular laughing face, but there's no sound coming out.

summer adventures.

Okay, so I really should be writing that paper that's due at 9:00 in the morning tomorrow, but I've just gotta get a few things off my mind first...

First of all, I just wanted to express how incredibly HAPPY I am that the warm and sunny weather is finally here! It's been hiding for quite a while, and now it's bright and cheerful--just the way I like it!

I also wanted to make a list of things I have been DYING to get out and do. In the past few months of my life, it seems that I've either been cooped up in my house with nothing to do, at school with plenty (maybe too much) to do, or at work for hours. Because of this, I haven't had time to do most of what I'd like to do. But, I'll be finished with my finals in two days, and this is worth celebrating! So, I've got the list. I just need to get out there and do it!

• Go to the temple and do baptisms, and just enjoy the beauty it brings outside.
• Drive to the lake in Daybreak, and enjoy the sights.
• Go to an Open Mic Night at Trevortex.
• Attend one of The Continentals' park shows.
• Take a day and dedicate it to driving around and taking pictures of magical things.
• Hike up to Ensign Peak and watch the sunset. (Maybe with a hot date, eh?)
• Go on a photo shoot with Kendall, and be his model.
• Watch a thunderstorm outside, wrapped up in a blanket, just like I used to do when I was little.
• Dance in the rain, and jump in the puddles.
• Hang out with friends on a sky walk.
• Go to a park and swing, and swing, and swing.
• Have a picnic.
• Build a "No Boys Allowed" fort, and watch movies in it with my girl friends.
• Jump on the trampoline at dusk.
• Walk around the Murray Park and enjoy the scenery. (It is my favorite park...)
• Walk around downtown Salt Lake City with a friend or two.
• Have a[nother] sleepover with Sarah and Erica, and discuss gospel topics.
• Hold a Mexican Fiesta cook-off at my house. (Side note: Bring sombreros.)
• Crash a stake dance with Emily and Erica.
• DATE.

This list turned out longer than I had planned... But it's okay! The summer is still young, and I've got adventure gleaming through my eyes! And, I'm off!

love.

As I sit here in my bedroom, I can hear the distinct voices of my high school aged sisters and their high school aged friends, giving each other what they think to be worthy advice from their inexperienced and naive lives.

Rachel, Sara, Katie and Kelsie sit in Sara's bedroom. Katie has just broken it off with her boyfriend, and she is almost in tears. "I love this guy to death! You guys don't even know!" she says. I wonder to myself, Does she really? She claims to have "gone out" with this boy for seven months. Does that define love? Is love based on a set time of dating? If you date someone for so long, is it considered love? Or is love defined by something more powerful?

At this point, Rachel offers to call Katie's boyfriend, Kaden, and ask him where he thinks he's getting at this whole "breaking up with Katie" thing. Kaden tries to calm Katie down by saying cute lines, trying to get her back. To win her back. Anything he can do. She hangs up. He calls again. "Katie, answer it. You need to talk to him," Rachel, Sara and Kelsie give her false hope in something that seems so impossible at this point. She answers. Serious conversations across the line go forth in silence. "I don't want to break because, babe, I love you so much," says Katie. "I don't feel like you can trust me." They talk more. More serious words. Too serious for high schoolers, I think to myself. Too serious for me even, if I were in a relationship. I never liked high school drama.

My oh my, this brings back so many memories. High school... My high school boyfriend... We didn't love each other, but back then, I could've sworn we did! But alas, it was not meant to be. Love was just a word back then. It didn't mean anything. I wasn't sure of it's meaning. I'm still not sure what it means, actually.

It doesn't seem like Katie's changing her mind. Poor Kaden. I wonder what he'll be doing in a month from now. Will he be dating another girl, simply because he needs someone to fill that empty space? Maybe he just wants a make out buddy. I've heard some guys are like that. Maybe he'll still be sulking, trying to win her back. What a great guy he would be if only he would. But I doubt it. It is high school. People are still trying to find themselves at this age.

And there it is. The sound of him giving up on her makes her voice drop a little. "There it is. He broke up with me." Where's the fight, Kaden?! I was rooting for you! I think I'm getting a little too into this whole conversation. Rachel calls to see what he's all about. "Dude, you've gotta cheer up a little. I don't do sad. I can do funny!" I laugh. They call me a creeper and close the door. Their voices are faint now. I can't make them out anymore.

Just then, Chuck gets online and greets me with "Hey beautiful." I smile, really big. I think I like this guy. Oh, what am I saying? Of course I like him. And now it's okay to say it, because he knows I do. I love that feeling. The feeling of knowing you like someone, and knowing they like you back, and being okay with saying it.

I don't love him though. That's one thing I've learned in the past. Love is a strong word. Too strong for where I'm at right now in life. I'm not sure exactly what it feels like yet. I don't know what it makes you say or do. I have no knowledge of it whatsoever. I'm really hesitant to say the word "love" because so much in my life, I've said that word when I didn't mean it. I don't want to do that again. I think I'm afraid of saying the word love for the wrong reasons, but I think I'm also afraid of not saying it when I do actually feel it. I'm afraid of not knowing what it feels like, and denying I ever felt it. Oh, what to do?

If you read my journal, you'd probably give it the title of "Megan's Quest to Find True Love." Really. It feels like, in the past year or so, that's been my whole life's purpose. I laugh at it. It's not like I mean to do it. It just happens. Maybe it'll pay off. But for now, I'm content being single. I know God has a plan for me, and I'm going to trust him as I do what he wants me to do.

I'm sure I'll be in love one day. I mean, this isn't an emo post where I complain about how dull and empty my life is. Oh, when will I find love?! --It's just not like that. I've got high hopes. One day I will love!

adventures with chuck.

The past few days have been the best I've had for a while now. Not that my life is horrible and flamboyant, but the time I spent with a guy named Chuck blew my regular daily activities out of the water. And it goes like this...

Friday, day one:

It all started when Chuck drove up from Las Vegas to stay with us. He got here in the early evening, and I helped him carry his stuff inside. Being the gentleman that he is, he gave me the heaviest bag he had. When he was all settled, he talked to my mom about Daniel (because Chuck and Daniel were in the same mission), while Dylan, Rachel and I made dinner. We ate, and headed over to Brynn's house for a night filled with Rock Band, cookies, and Chuck's poo juice, which needed a refill, so Dylan took care of that using Chuck's butt. When everyone was beat, we all went home and slept.

Saturday, day two:

Shopping with my parents! We went to Costco, and Smith's. Oh, and between the two, we stopped by Brynn's because Chuck left his coat there the night before. At Costco, we saw seafood! I gagged! Chuck made a look that described him as feeling hungry. I think we were made for each other. At Smith's, we picked out apples to peel for apple dumplings the next day. Chuck put a rotten one in my bag. I hit [on] him. When we arrived home, we decided to hike up to the water towers by my house. When we got there, Chuck decided that he wanted to climb up the water tower, and wanted me to, also. "What?! I can't do that!" After about 20 minutes of arguing about it, he finally talked me into it, and with the help of his upper body strength holding me up, I soon found myself on top of the water tower. We talked and took pictures. As we climbed down, he let me sit on his shoulders to help me get down. "Okay, Chuck, let me down." I said, after I was safely off the water tower. He didn't. Instead, he walked with me on his shoulders down a good part of the mountain, as I half yelled at him to let me down, half laughed my head off. Now that I think about it, I should have farted on him. Later that night, he went to Priesthood with my dad, my brother, Matt, and my grandpa while I tended my grandma. He fell asleep in Priesthood. Tisk tisk.

Sunday, day three:

Conference! We started the day off with watching the morning session of conference in the basement. After it was finished, Chuck and I headed downtown to watch the afternoon session in the Conference Center. We parked 6 blocks away, and we were late. They almost didn't let us in, but they saw the innocence shining in my eyes and I said in a soft voice, "I just want to see the prophet." They felt so bad, and let both of us in right away. Okay, so that was a lie. But we were late, and they did end up letting us in after a while. As we were walking back to the car, there was a man protesting against our church. He was yelling outside the conference center, holding a big sign. I can't remember exactly what he was yelling, but I remember he was a very large and angry man. As we walked past him, he started walking our way in an angry manner. I didn't see it, but Chuck said he (Chuck) gave him a "I'll beat you up if you touch her" look. I guess it worked, because he didn't touch me! When we got home, we were greeted by my brothers and their wives, and both sets of my grandparents. We ate apple dumplings and ate soup. Later, when everyone left, we played board games as a family.

Monday, day three:

Happy Birthday to me! This day was my birthday, and I turned 19! "Now you're only 3 years younger than me," said Chuck. "It's less creepy!" I had to go to school this day, so as I did, Chuck drove around and did his own thang. I got home before he did. Before he got home, he called me and said, "I'm almost home, but you've gotta do something for me. Go somewhere where you won't be able to see me when I walk in the door, and don't come up until I tell you to." I agreed, and wandered down into my room. When he was finished, he came downstairs, right in front of my bedroom door, and called me and told me to come out. As I walked out, he was hiding in the landry room, and he jumped out and scared me. After I got my cool back, we decided to go to temple square for my birthday. When we arrived, we got a tour of the Conference Center roof, which was beautiful, then headed over to the JSMB to watch the Joseph Smith movie. I thought I'd cry. Chuck thought I would, too. But I didn't. Before we headed home, Chuck wanted to see my driver's lisence. "No! I look like a stoner!" I said. After compromising a little bit, I let him see it, but he agreed to sing me a song on the piano. After that, we headed home and ate some wonderful stir fry. After dinner, we were all hanging out downstairs, and Chuck ran upstairs to get "a pen" and came back down with his surprise for me: roses and chocolates. My heart just melted, and I was so excited! I gave him a great big hug. After that, Chuck and I snuck up to the water towers one last time to look at the stars and talk and enjoy each others company. It was my favorite part. We had a good talk.

Tuesday, day five:

Chuck's last day. He left in the morning, the same time I left for school. But, before he left, he whipped out the lyrics he had written me the day before, and strode over to the piano and blasted me with his musical talent. I fell in love with the song. After that, we gave each other a long hug, and left. Sad day, but amazing week.

"realize."

I have a habit of, every now and then, pulling out my notebooks I like to randomly write in, and read them. Tonight was one of those nights.
As I was looking through one of them, I came across a poem that a friend had written, that I had written down. This friend happens to be a guy, who happened to have a crush on me a while ago. I'm not sure if he wrote this for me or not, but he did share it with me. At the end of the poem, I wrote something down, directed to myself, so watch for that. I don't want to say his name, but I do want to remember who wrote it, so we'll call him S.W.Smith.

9 April 2008
"I hold you in my arms; I look deep in your eyes.
The beauty you hold deep in your heart.
I wonder what kind of man I am to have a girl like you--
The most beautiful thing on earth, in my arms tonight.
You know me better than I know me.
I let you in my heart; I trust you with all I have.
Please don't break me.
When I hold you in my arms, I get lost in your beauty.
Not knowing how to handle what our future holds.
When love passes by, I wish like a shooting star that everything will be okay.
That we will be together forever.
Uncertainty has its hold on me. It slowly drags me down.
The fight is hard.
My love for you makes me champion.
Nothing can tear me down; my love for you is strong.
Nothing will break us apart.
I love you."

"Megan.
Don't you realize that this is exactly what you want your husband to say to you?
Don't you realize that this is who you want your husband to be? Realize."

why me?

As I look at the people around me, more specifically, the people I know who have chosen to go a separate way than what they have been taught, I can't help but wonder "Why them and not me?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm where I'm at right now, but I see these people I knew in the past; people who I would've never imagined would end up getting a girl pregnant, doing drugs, killing themselves, going against everything they were taught and everything they were raised to believe.
I can't help but to think "I've had my share of problems, just like anyone else, but why am I still a member of this church? Why has Heavenly Father let me overcome those trials I faced when I was an ignorant teenager, to be who I am today? What makes me different than all of those people?"
When I think about it, I come to one conclusion. That is, that Heavenly Father needs me to be strong to help build his church up in these last days. Every challenge he gave me, knowing I could, quite possibly, mess it up and go spiraling downward. But he's given me his trust, knowing I could handle everything he's put in my way, and I feel like I have.
I'm special. Heavenly Father has chosen me as one of his children to prepare the way for Christ's Second Coming. Not only has he chosen me, but he has chosen you, too. All of us were saved to come at this time. But not everyone chooses to make it. But I know what I chose.

With that being said, I'd like to thank Heavenly Father for the blessings he's given me that have helped me hold on to the rod, even if it was just by one finger. The blessings who have made me who I am today.

• My parents. They have raised me so well, in the way that Heavenly Father would've raised me if he was here on the earth. They have taught me a lot of lessons that I use everyday of my life, and that help me get closer to returning to my Heavenly Father.
• My church leaders. My bishop, and my two young womens leaders. They have opened my eyes to so many wonderful things, and have helped me set the goals in my life that I feel are important to accomplish. Not only that, they support me in those goals, too.
• My friends. Heavenly Father really couldn't have blessed me with more amazing friends if I wanted him to. When I say my friends are awesome, it's the complete truth. They have strengthened my testimony by sharing theirs, and it has made me want to share mine, too. I can always count on them to back me up if I'm in a tough situation.
• My relationship with my Heavenly Father. As of August last year, I have really been trying to come to know of him, and get to know him better, and have real conversations with him. I've come to find out that he is there, listening to everything I have to say. He also talks to me, too, telling me what I should do, and giving me guidance when I need it the most. He's a great friend.
• Prayer. Where would I be without it? It has blessed my life in ways I can't even explain. If I have a testimony of anything, it would be prayer.
• Scriptures. Who knew that people who lived thousands of years ago could know what to say to help me in my life right now? The olden day prophets are superb men, who really know what they're talking about. I love reading their words.
• My patriarchal blessing. What a wonderful gift. Just when I'm about to lose it, I can go and read it, and know why I'm going through the things I'm going through, and know what to do. I have learned a lot about myself through this letter from God, and it helps me everyday. I've memorized parts of it, and even when I don't have it on me, I can recite certain phrases of it, and know that I'll be okay.